Untitled
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Nothing...At Work
So Jonathan is stressing me out again, and blaming me for not babying him and taking care of him...he is such a child. I think him and hius mother need like counseling because they both assume that now I'm his mother that can have sex with him. They are both fuckin CRAZY!

Jonathan said some fucked up thing to me that made me feel bad and dirty. But I dont want to dwell on that because it hurt and I was calling to look for Nelson (my best friend and part of "the Crew") and all i got was Ernesto (my ftf and next best friend, also part of "the Crew") and I cried my eyes out to him. He was more supportive and sweet than i thought he'd be.

Anyway, his mom is calling me off the hook, from like :30 in the morning to like 10 at night, and its not like i;m purposely not picking uo its that she always calls at bad friggin times. She leaves me guilt messages and her crying and saying she's worried. Her sons well being is not my friggin responsibility man, I mean he's not my GODDAM son! I am tryingm to take care of me and my son right now. I am more concerned with getting into school and getting my life together and rasing my son right than repairing a seriously unhealthy relationship and taking care of as full grown, healthy able man and his moms fucking worries! Its not my fault hes not working and doesnt have his life together at fuckin twenty three! Yea, I feel bad that hes suffering but he is doing it to himself. Get up, be a man and take control of your life you pathetic excuse for a man! You have a son! How can you possibly argue with me at all when I am doing what i'm supposed to do and what your supposed to do! And his mother, too. I refuse to guilted into doing her job! The job she was supposed to do years ago, and because she didnt do it right, now she passes the torch to me? Get the fuck outta here!

Aggghhhhh! Anyway, besides that I am excited about the holidays! I hope I have enough money to do what i need to do. I need to find a way to make more money. I dont know. Any suggestions!!

Also, I am feeling the itch, man. I need some butt. LOL Can only guys say that? Anyway, my son is adorable and doing great in daycare and crying less and less when I drop him off, but he's always been happy to see me when the day is over and I come to pick him up.

Today is a short day and I cant wait to get outta here! I have so much more to say but I feel hyper like I'm gonna explode so let me relax and get outta the comp. Happy Holidays!!!

Stuff Happenin'
Mood:  flirty
Now Playing: Orgy "Blue Monday"
Hello!

So me and Jonathan are still not together. He's stressing me as usual. he still does not have a job and my finances are stressing me.

But believe it or not, despite my problems and all that, I'm actually a little happy. I feel like I'll be okay. Like there's hope.

I cant wait to go to school next fall. Its so exciting! I cant wait. I just cant wait.

Okay, so the original CREW is back. Me, Nelson, Martin and Ernesto. Anmd now all of them have tattoos. Fuckin Martin was such a pussy about his! It was hilarious.

I'm enjoying immensly being single. I dont plan to be ina relationship with anyone for a VERY long time. Probably when i'm ready to give up my freedom again, hopefully Jonathan will have gotten his shit together in those years and we can reunite our family. We'll see. Only time will tell, but after all I've been through, I can wait.

This whole thing with Dave is a little frustrating. I kind of feel like what am I doing? I mean, everyone's like "he's got money! do you!" but i'm not feeling that. I dont know.

Then there's friggin Martin and Ernesto. The thing with that is that, Martin catches feelings and I'm not feeling him like that to begin with. I just want a good friend I can get physical pleasure from and then when its over, go back to being good friends and with Ernesto thats what i get. Things are too deep with Martin and we're just generally better off as friends.

Anyway, i hope that jonathan is ok. i worry about him a lot.

Freezing My Feeties off!
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Rain on the front again...all i can think about...no mental music today
Hey

Well, I left him. We got into a fight, he flipped out and destroyed the livingroom and threw things at me and I left him. I left him on Sunday, today is Tuesday and his birthday is Friday. I feel bad, but I know I shouldnt. Thats a type of abuse. Putting me down in front of people, calling me names and all that, intimidating me by destroying everything? That's mental abuse and assault! So I cant stay. I always say how dumb the girls who do are. I have a son, I cant afford to be that dumb.

So I'm alone now. In my moms house cramped with two brothers and my sister, all friggin teenagers. My mom has been on my sis, because she's buggin out right now.

Anyway, gotta go. bye.

INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Nothing...not even in my head. Not very musical today.
Yeah

So, my boss? Driving me fucking insane! Kids, stay in school. Go to college and pursue a career in something you love because this bullshit is BEAST MODE!

He still bitching to me about my fucking numbers!!!! Like his handwriting is the fuckin greatest! His handwriting is ILLEGIBLE and nobody says, hey asshole, change your fuckin handwriting!!!
No, only him to other people. The world has to fit to his content, I swear! Everything has to be perfect and convenient for HIM, I have to change my handwriting, my numbers, even the way i fuckin TALK sometimes, and I'm respectful polite and professional at work. There's a lot of things he has the right to tell people to do as own er and all, but changing personal things like handwriting is fucking retarted, annoying, and resentful. I ahte him, and hope he dies in his sleep tonight. He's too old to be alive and working anyway, he's just fuckin in everyone's way and holding Dalma back. Atleast she could either get a better paying, easier job with the government or turn this shit hole into a professional, booming, MODERN run business.

GOD!!!!!!!!!!

Sweet Dreams are made of these...
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Sweet Dreams by Marilyn Manson (In My Head)
Right now I am bored out of my mind and am dying to go home! I know its Thursday and tomorrow is Friday (weekend again, yay!) but GOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!

Dalma, (my coworker) was out today and i miss her. She makes the day interesting. Also, she's having her office done and I am sooo happy for her because it is coming out really nice. Shes gonna love it. Hopefully, if I'm still here next year they can work on the front...where I am...?

Anyway, besides that i have to go to Ryan's house again to work on this stupid paper again, which is takeing forever. I probably have to go to the library and borrow someone's card because I am not finding everything online. (Fooey)

Atleast the woman I'm writing it for is not like brainiac smart so it wont be too hard. LOL Her professor most likely doesnt expect much from her anyway.

70 bucks aint bad, though. Even though I can see how the campus costs of having a paper written for you is so high. 21 dollars a page and I only charge 15. But the hours are long, and the work streinuous.

Well, I need the money. Hopefully, Y can get me more clients.

Lately I been having these weird dreams about being mad at Jonathan and cheating or leaving. And I been okay with him! I dont get it. But the dreams are weird and they make me feel dissatisfied and awkward in the morning when I wake up. I know i love Jonathan to death but is my heart or mind or soemthing trying to tell me something? I don't know. Its too weird. I'll explain it to you later. Maybe at Ryans house, I don't feel like recounting those dreams now. Not that their bad.

They're just...weird.

Feeling Better...
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Smash Mouth's "1979" ( In my Head...Not in the office)
Yeah. so things a re a bit better. Even though its still gonna be hard and I still owe everyone and there mother money, its getting a wee bit better and I feel that it'll be okay. I can almost see a glimmer of the light at the end of the tunnel!

Jonathan and I made up but then he minorly pissed me off again and yesterday i was thinking that his brithday is coming up and i'm tired of always making his holidays great but he puts zero effort into anything for me. Mothers day, My birthday, our anniversary, Christmas, NATHA!!! He's a big dummy and for his birthday he can buy his own dam beer and I'll only get him a dumb cake. (From Joshua)

Yeah, so noone is checking out my sites!!! Its kinda pissing me off. Oh well. All good things take time.

I'm feeling sexy lately, I don't know why. I just am. I had a dream i left Jonathan for that EMT I messed around with at a party i went to. He was such a nice guy but once i sobered up, I felt bad and never called him. (Even though i saw him yesterday out of a Chief's car but he didnt see me! hee hee!) NO NO NO, I'M LYING I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!!!! LOL WINK WINK!

Joshua is going to be the Phantom of the Opera for Halloween and I still need to get the half face mask! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Anyway, I guess thats it. Oh, my brother got his eye busted in and neede dstitches yesterday. Let me tell you, that fake little kiss up boy who hit him is really in for more than HE thought!

Anyway, Blog, I'll talk to ya later! Maybe leter tonight. I'm going to Ryan's house tonight to do a paper for Y. 65 bucks man! Not bad!

Anyway, see ya!

BROKEN
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: MORE FUCKIN RAIN
In the last week, I have literally lost a huge income (jonathan lost his job) lost faith (Just when i thought it couldn't get any worse, God shits on me again) fallen out of love with my baby's father (three strikes your out, asshole) and have had my self esteem and very nerves tested, failed and crushed into the mud in a painful splatter of defeat and finality.

What I'm tryin to say, is that i feel like dying. I was barely surviving when this asshole had a job, and now I'm dying worse. He cannot hold a job for nothing, and hes content upon just fuckin rotting to death. He doesnt clean, he doesnt cook, he doesnt bathe Josh, or brush his teeth, or even feed him lunch, he doesnt go to welfare, he doesnt call his school, he doesnt call me even though i leave him my cell phone for NOTHING, he doesn't look into unemployment, NOTHING!!!!

Let me tell you what he DOES do... he makes a mess, he hangs out all day, he drinks whenever he can, he sits his lazy ass around, watches movies or plays video games all day, he argues with me, he calls me names, and he does a list of other asshole things. so why, you ask, am i with this pathetic, disgusting loser? Good fuckin question. I'M OUT! WISH ME LUCK.

I don't know what I'll do but i gotta figure it out or i'm gonna hurt me or someone or both. I feel my mental abilities to deal shriveling like a toe in water. I'm gonna lose it...

My Boss Is Driving Me CRAZYYYY!!!!
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The Rain...Again!
Yea, so right now I'm at work. Its raining like crazy again, and I don't know why, but I woke up alittle bit optimistic and bright, alittle bit hopeless and morbid. But who cares.

So, Im at work, and my friggin boss comes to me with the accounting sheet of the office (the "daily")and he gives me a freeking lecture about my stupid numbers for the thrid time in two days! What am I, in Kindergarten? I can understand, okay the first time it annoyed me but if you cant read it, whatever, its cool to ask me to make them smaller and more legible. So I write smaller and more legible and he comes to me like he's a fuckin kindergarten teacher. "I notice improvement, Dalays. Thats very good, but the numbers are still too big. I can read them, but its still needs more work. Rethink your numbers, okay?" What a penis. He makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up with anger!

Anyway, Jonathan is not cleaning, and the house is a wreck and instead while I bust my ass working, he does nothing with the baby, forgets to freekin feed him, makes messes, sleeps and hangs out with his friends drinking at night. I really dont like what it looks like in just 4 freekin days of unemployment.

Plus, he's postponed welfare to yet another day. Monday. Yeah, lets see what happens.

Anyway, I'll write later. All this and its not even ten yet!

I'm BAAAAAAAAAAACK!
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: No music, just rain on the office front windows...
Hello, all!!! Blog! I miss you. My mood says blue and I am but I am very happy to be blogging again. Its been a while.

Anyway, let me catch you up. I left underground luxury so i am no longer working as a dispatcher. I found a better job, as a personal assistant at Medina's Insurance (just a receptionist who does whatever other errands they want me to) but with the little better pay I found, I also found more bills!! Now, I am swimming in debt, I'm struggling to keep a roof over my family's head (my son and his dad) and food in our mouths and clothes on our back (especially now its getting cooler). Nevermind that we havent had cable, phone service or the internet thatnks to our new circumstances. Oh-and my baby daddy just lost his job.

So the house where my apartment is located is being sold (fooey) and everything is falling apart. It always happens around this time of year!! Everything's good the beginning to middle then POOF! Poverty strikes double than before. Regular poor is good for me.

Actually, its not. That why I hate this sooo much. Anyway, I told Jon to go to welfare because he sign ed up for EMS FDNY classes, and if he gets another job he might decide not to go. Since it'll only take him about 4-6 months to be making that good money, i told him just go to welfare!! Hes giving me a hard time. I hope everything with welfare works out. He goes tomorrow.

Once he's done with school, then I can go to school next fall. I want to go to Katherine Gibbs to get my Bachelor's in Web Design. Then I will make lots of money!!!!

I have to remain positive though. If and when ever we run out of food (it happens now and again) we have my mother just 10 minutes walk away, and if we get kicked out of our apartment by the new comers (and our application for low income housing hasnt gone through yet) we can stay with my mom or his aunt, and within this year everything will be ok. Noone will be getting Xmas gifts from me this year, but they will just have to understand. Maybe when I have my Bachelor's, I'll make it up to them...

I also have to remember that my son has everything for winter. I have to be grateful that no matter whats going on he always seems to have almost everything he wants and needs, and he's never cold, never hungry, never alone. He has his toys, his milk, his winter stuff, and his movies (if not his Noggin television shows). By the time he gets old enought o truly want out of what we can provide (even though we struggle to provide now) we will be ok.

ahhhh. I feel better.

Doesn't Anybody Love Me?
Mood:  sad
What a sucky valentine's day. The only thing that made this day loveable is my son, Joshua.

First, there was noone to pick me up this morning so after being dead tired from working all night, at seven thirty in the morning, I had to WALK all the way home in the cold, with high heel boots on.

Then, I stop at two bakeries, and neither one of them have oatmeal. I pick up some pastries for me and Jonathan to share as a Valentine's Day breakfast, but when I get home he doesn't want to eat with me, but sleep. I understand, but I also told him i wanted to eat them together, and I was going to sleep soon, I was so tired.

I go to sleep. He eats them without me. I eat mine alone when I wake up in the afternoon. The whole day is gone and I didn't spend any time with jonathan because I was sleeping all day, and when i woke up, he was just leaving for work. Fooey.

Right after he leaves, I realize I had an appointment at a college for some information and registeration interview in Manhattan. I had to be there by six and it was already 3:40! So rtun around getting me and the baby ready, and running to the train in the rain. I take three trains, pushing the carriage around, people bumping into me, and having to crary the baby and the carriage up a lot of steps! On the other hand, there were a lot of friendly strangers who helped me with the carriage or gave me directions without my asking ( i guess I looked sad and lost)

Anyway, I finally get there and Joshua is crying his little head off so I let him out of the carriage while I try and fill out the form they gave me. He starts running all over the place and I have to catch him. So when I finally get called, the lady says i have the be 18, and since that's next month, she just makes me a later appointment for after my birthday.

So in the rain I go back and do it all over, but this time with joshua screaming his head off until finally he falls asleep. I was calling my mother all day, since I first left and she kept playing me, so I was mad at her, mad at the college, mad at the rain and cold wind, mad at joshua a little for crying and mad at the world for makingit so hard to live, becaus eif it wasn't so hard i wouldn't have to go through all this and jonathan would have money, and we could have done something for valentine's day (but he was broke and apologized that he couldn't get me anything) I didn't mind because I understand but then it bothered me and broke my heart a lot to see all the other couples, and guys carrying ballons, flowers and stuff like that, and all the other smiling girls walking holding their stuff. I wanted to cry, but on the train when joshua was sleeping, i look at him and declare that he is my valentine this year and once we get back to the bronx we would got to dinner ata a pizzeria (that's his favorite)to celebrate!

When I get to the Bronx, I'm incredibly tired, upset my mother is still being a butthead, and mad that I'm so broke, and that i have to hurry to my mother's house to leave joshua before work. It was raing all over, and the wind was so strong, I knew it was affecting joshua, even in his plastic covered carriage.

We ate pizza togther happily in a crappy pizz place. The pizza was crappy, but we smiled and laughed and ate it all anyway.

Then we went home, in the rain and wind, hurrying, and at home he hugged me all night until i had to go to work. Then, I get to work, and my relief seems a little cranky, so i don't want to bother her even though i need someone to talk to.

I feel so lonely, and broke, and sad. I miss my baby. I don't want to cry, but I can't help it.
Why can't we just be happy? Don't I deserve to be happy?